I’ve long felt sorry for single men who come to the park and seem lonely and lost. I’ve been in awe of those who turn up and seem to fit right in. I’ve never explored a naturist place on my own; I think it’s a very brave thing to do. Not just because there’s nudity, but because it’s a new thing and you’re navigating by yourself. I’ve had some darling gents write to me about wanting to fit in but still feel very much on the periphery. My heart goes out to them as I’ve witnessed how groups can often keep to themselves and wondered how someone can get their shoe in.
I know what I would do as a new person to a naturist location, but I wanted a broader perspective, so I’ve been asking naturist friends throughout the week. Some visit numerous naturist parks regularly and love their experiences. It turns out that my game plan is the same as theirs.
Here’s the key to success (insert drumroll here):
- Plan to have a good time one your own. I would bring a book and writing pad as those are things I like to do. Maybe you want to hike the trails, or swim in the lake, or try their local draft beers. Consciously release expectations and go about having a great day on your own.
- People are a bonus. If you’re up for a chat, start the conversation. If you wait to be invited, you may be waiting awhile. It’s respectful to “read the room”. A busy server at the restaurant may not have time or patience. But “reading the room” is a delicate balance because we approach this with whatever life experience has thrown our way so far. I think that plenty of people assume they’d be bothering someone by starting a conversation. What I recommend here is testing the waters; start a chat and see if they’re receptive. (I do feel for my friends on the Autism Spectrum as I write this.) High success rate in connectivity anywhere, naturist or otherwise, is assuming other people will like you and enjoy your company. Assume that you’re great, and if you try to connect once and they seem uninterested, don’t take it personally. You have no idea what that person is going through, just move along and try again.
- A name drop could be a shoe in. Mentioning other naturist places you’ve visited, where you’re from, or even people you know might be a decent ice breaker. (This is a guess.) Other naturist places = oh, I’ve been there before, or how was that? I’ve been meaning to check it out. Where you’re from = nice, that’s not far from here then, or, wow, you really travelled a distance to be here, or, my brother lives there, etc. Name dropping ie. I’ve been taking Nikki’s yoga classes, or Jess in the office is such a gem, or Kim really does a great job with the Bistro = I don’t know where this would lead, but it shows that you know people involved in the place and you’re speaking warmly about them. Familiarity can get you in like an old shirt.
Another huge misconception is that the naturist culture is completely different from the textile culture. My experience is that we take our clothes off and have become equal in that we’re allowing ourselves to be a little more vulnerable with others. This can allow for a warmth and friendliness that doesn’t exist among strangers in the textile world. Some of my dear fellows are having some difficulty because they’re being too wonderful. They care so much about being respectful and never making anyone feel awkward, and I love that about them! I’d happily give badges for this. But it’s getting in their way. Don’t throw out that respect, it’ll serve you well. Let me help.
One story I discussed with a naturist group to gain perspective is this: the gentleman was on a walk and there was a lady in front of him, she’d looked over her shoulder to see who was close to her, and he then assumed/told me, he could tell she was uncomfortable, so he paused his walk to create more distance between them. See? I adore this man for always wanting women to feel safe. What he doesn’t realize is that his behaviour of giving space in this instance may have come across as being strange. A positive option might be saying aloud: Hi, looks like we’re heading the same way, or isn’t it gorgeous today, or just giving a wave and a smile. Show her that you’re a nice guy by engaging in a minor way, not assuming she thinks you’re creepy, because… it starts to seem like you might be creepy.
Men and women are there for all kinds of reasons. Some to find quiet, some to engage. Just be yourself. If you’re typically chatty, go ahead and be chatty here too. If you’re slow to open up, that’s ok, you’ll likely meet a quiet kindred spirit in time. The more you assume that you shouldn’t engage in conversation, the more you carry a vibe about you that they shouldn’t engage with you. They’re the same people you see in the textile world, there’s no need to change all the rules.
To reiterate: Continue being respectful. Also, understand that being respectful doesn’t mean don’t talk or make eye contact.
More on eye contact and looking in general in my next post.
This is wonderful. When I go, I have to go by myself. I’m the only one in my family that agrees and is accepting of naturism. So that often leaves me alone
Yes, I know many people in the same boat. My husband isn’t interested in naturism either, so I’m not there as a couple. Lucky for me that I’ve worked at Bare Oaks for many years so company is never far away. I’m happy that you still go on your own, it’s a powerful thing to be ok to be by yourself.
Great article. My wife is okay with me visiting a resorts by myself. Due to distance I usually spend a week at a time. I try too inquire about what volunteer opportunities our available during my stay. Great way to meet the group.
Great idea!
I also go by myself. however, I have always felt comfortable getting involved in activities and that helps me become known by others and for me to get to know them
I want to thank you for writing this. I join AANR to show that I support the program. I did find a resort that supports single males and I did get involved with community and there folks notice I’m a nice guy!
Excellent! I like that you used the word “notice”, that shows me that you know you’re worthwhile.
Excellent advice, thanks for sharing! I’d be the lone guy walking the trails or laying around the water reading a book.
Hi Chris, me too! For the first while anyway.
Great advice and suggestions! Visiting my first family nudist park today solo but would love to strike up some conversations if possible.
Hooray Aaron! Way to go!
“If you wait to be invited, you may be waiting awhile.” I find this attitude unfortunate. Typically, it is polite for a host to take the initiative. Newbies in any environment tend to be nervous, intimidated, and look to others to help guide them. If you keep your distance and wait for a newbie to initiate, you may be inadvertently (or purposely) sending the message that they are not welcome. The responsibility for reading the room should not lay solely on the shoulders of the newbie. In your story about the gentleman giving the woman space to feel safe, you suggest he say something to her. Why doesn’t she say something to him? This is a two-way street. Parties on each side can do things to create a positive experience. I hear some nudists talk of growing their numbers, wanting to be more mainstream, or having the general public be more accepting. This starts with those newbies. They are taking a bold and scary first step. If they have a negative experience, they may not come back. If they have a positive experience, they may eventually bring others. Invite them to join you, ask them questions, and share your experiences. You may be surprised how quickly a newbie comes out of their shell as soon as they know they are truly welcome and appreciated.
Hi Scott, thank you for your thoughts. You’re absolutely right that it’s a two way street and it would be polite and nice for more seasoned goers to initiate and invite newbies in. This does happen quite a bit too and I would encourage people to continue that.
I wrote what I did because the piece is geared towards those who are new and not getting the hand extended to them. They could choose to just say “F you guys, I’m out of here” or they could initiate themselves.
I guess it depends on where you are. Here at Bare Oaks (where Nikki leads Yoga) we have over 800 of members and we get thousands of visitors each year. At any one time on a warm summer weekend there are hundreds of people here. While there are groups of friends, most people do not know each other even if they are regulars. It’s not a “room” nor is there a “host”. If this was the textile world, would you expect the people on a crowded beach or at a busy park to all come by and introduce themselves?
Thank you for this advice! I’m on the spectrum and still fairly new to naturism, and I always feel so awkward and creepy when I try to introduce myself to new people. In general I have a hard time with starting a conversation or keeping it going, but I think this advice will help me the next time I can afford to go! I feel seen and heard 🙂
Hi Chris! I’m so glad this piece was helpful. As I wrote it I was aware of certain subtleties in what I was trying to convey.
I too feel shy and awkward about starting conversations. I try to dare myself, as if it were a game. I consciously strike a balance with myself between risk taking and coziness in my comfort zone. That way I feel both alive and safe and it doesn’t become too much.
That’s a good idea! My biggest fear is that I’ll have nothing in common with someone or that people who seem interesting won’t mind my presence but I’ll be basically an ornament in the conversation coz I don’t know anything about sports or home improvement or that one taco shop on Park Ave. Ain’t fun
Hi Nikki,
We have met a few times at BareOaks. You were always easy to talk to and friendly – thank you.
Your article hits many of my weaknesses.
I have no trouble with shyness regarding being nude however am one of the many that have two things going against them. 1: I am very socially shy and fall into your category of ‘not wanting to bother people’. and 2: My wife will not accompany me so I fall into the single male category.
I like to walk around all parts of the park and do it on a regular basis during the day. It is my custom to say hi to those I pass the first time each day. For the most part I get a congenial response. Alas just the single word seems to put one in the ‘creepy’ category with some of the ladies. The looks on their faces tell the tale. It is very hard to walk the line between ‘creepy’ and being aloof. Have no clue as to how to tell which will find it ‘creepy’.
I have never had this at clothed campgrounds or resorts so am not sure how to deal with it in the naturist community. There seems to be a little ‘guilty until proved innocent’ attitude by a few. They may have had a bad experience in the past.
I am sure you have heard this before – and it is not easily fixable – and also may not have a workaround.
Hi Edward, you’re correct that some people may have had unfortunate experiences. I’d guess that 95% of people are there for the right reasons, but the few that aren’t can make an impression. Just keep presenting yourself as a nice fellow who’s there for naturism and I’m sure hoping that your experiences become warmer.
Hi Edward,
I used to be very shy in social settings as well, in part due to being uncomfortable and partly because I didn’t want to disturb the vibe or have my presence be interpreted as an imposition. This applied in all facets of my life, so I was the quiet guy who only spoke when having something of concrete and relevant to add to a conversation.
My first time at Bare Oaks was last year, a Monday and Tuesday, and I kept to myself. During my second visit not even one month ago, I observed the community fire pits and decided which one had a vibe that I enjoyed. To break the ice, I asked “Is there room for one more?” knowing full well that it was rhetorical, but it allowed me to determine the openness and friendliness of those present (note: both were very high.), and after some observing, I started participating in the conversations.
Given that it’s a naturist environment, that’s already one commonality with others. Given that we are all at a naturist establishment, which requires a minimal amount of open mindedness and perhaps non-conformity, we know that one’s way of thinking likely aligns with others’ on several different planes as well.
In short, a simple hello and some observing can be the key that opens the door to new and fulfilling connections and I wish you the same!
As a single man, I’ve never once felt shunned or anything but total acceptance from any nudist group. But I always dive right in, as policy. Reading the room is good, but that can be done quickly if you’re paying attention. And naturists, maybe especially women naturists, appreciate deep, genuine interaction. We have one thing in common already, and we’ve already taken off our psychological masks; why shouldn’t we open our hearts?
Marvelous! I do love a deep conversation.
Thank you Nikki for this blog post. As a newbie I have found what you wrote to be very helpful especially as I want to be respectful and certainly not that creepy old man. Sometimes life circumstances like the loss of loved one put in the circumstance of being alone with the hope of meeting new friends. This is something I hope will happen. I sure enjoyed reading all the comments as well and want to thank those who added their thoughts.
Thank you for your care about those on the margins. It really does reflect the disposition of your heart, Nikki. Unfortunately, the closet camp to my house displays this prominently on their website “We have no single prices. You will never find any loners on our grounds.” If I found a companion who would be interested in naturism with me– how could I do it in a setting where people make such broad judgments about such a big spectrum of our population? Plus they are selective about what they regard as a couple. What about widows, divorced people. This kind of crap needs to be addressed.
Oh my gosh! That’s terrible. And I’ve met plenty of lonely married people. I’ve heard of it being more expensive for single men in the States and that men with tatoos or piercings may not get in. I went to a resort in Florida where it was $100 for a single man, $45 for a couple, two men as a couple wouldn’t be viewed as a couple, and single women were free. It worries me that if men are paying more and women get in free, that they might feel they paid a premium to take liberties. And it’s not right at all that queer couples wouldn’t count, and that men who’ve had their relationship change in a sad way have a penalty as well. I guess I’ve been spoiled at Bare Oaks where it’s very welcoming of everyone. Would you like to become a Canadian citizen John?
Hi Nikki,
Thank you so much for this wonderful insight and for bringing a different perspective to singles…particularly men. I’m fairly shy, but have found that even striking up a quick chit chat can go a long way to reducing any potential “creep factor”. I’ve only been to two resorts so far and in both cases I felt so welcomed by the staff which made things much easier as a dip my toe into these new waters. As for the guests, I found most of them also chill and welcoming, although I did get some creeper vibes from a few people. One recent example was a father with a tween daughter who seemed to be giving the hairy eyeball to every single guy on the beach, including myself. I was nowhere near his daughter and not paying any attention to them, but I felt I was on trial. Any advice for situations like this? Move to a different area of the park or just ignore it?
Thank you again and I will certainly stop for a chat if I see you around at Bare Oaks.
Andy
Hi Andy! I’m glad that you found the piece helpful 🙂 As for your question, it’s hard to know what anyone is thinking or feeling in certain situations. I think that if you feel as though you’re getting the “hairy eyeball” just take a moment to reflect on your intentions. If your intentions are pure then freely go about your time.If you’re confronted by someone about making them feel awkward then that’s a good time to listen and see if you can modify your actions, but a stare down could be for so many reasons. Maybe they’re wondering if you’re their neighbour and they’re looking at you super close to see?
Nikki…wow…I never thought about it that way. Maybe it was not a critical eye coming my way, but something else entirely. This could simply be down to my being a “newbie” in this environment. I think I might be in over-analyzing mode right now since I am so new to this world. Thank you for giving me a different perspective. I am so looking forward to exploring the naturist world more over the next few “good weather” months. I hope things are going well for you in your new-ish big city environment!
Andy